Breaking Free From Over-Giving: 4 Steps to Reclaim Your Energy and Health
- Heidi Lappe
- Apr 14
- 5 min read
From a recovering over-giver and certified Health and Life coach
Are you constantly drained, despite your best efforts to be a good friend, partner, or employee?
It can be easy to confuse over-giving with simple kindness, but when it starts to erode your health, derail your personal goals, and compromise your core values, it's a serious issue.
Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability and empathy, emphasizes, 'Boundaries are not about keeping people out; they are about figuring out where you end and others begin.'
Over-giving often blurs these lines, leading to a relentless pursuit of external validation at the expense of your own well-being.
I experienced the burnout and emotional depletion that comes with consistently prioritizing others. The pressure to be perpetually available, to be the partner, mother, and leader that I never had for everyone else, led to a silencing of my own needs and a gradual detachment from what truly fueled my spirit.
This isn't just about being a 'kind person'; it's about recognizing when your generosity becomes self-destructive.
It's time to reclaim your energy and align your life with what truly matters to you. This guide will help you understand the patterns of over-giving and provide practical steps to restore balance and prioritize your well-being.
Recognizing Over-Giving Behaviors
To help you identify if you might be experiencing over-giving, consider the following
behaviors:
Saying "Yes" When You Mean "No"
You might find yourself saying 'yes' when you'd rather say 'no,' often at your own expense. This could look like constantly agreeing to extra tasks at work, volunteering for every school event, or taking on responsibilities that should belong to others in your family. For instance, you might agree to drive your friend to the airport at 3 a.m., even though you have a crucial meeting that morning, because you fear letting them down.
Seeking Approval Through Exceeding Expectations
Consistently exceeding expectations to gain approval is another sign. Perhaps you've even built your identity on 'being the strong one, who will always be there and have it all together.' This involves going above and beyond what's required, not out of genuine enthusiasm, but out of a need for validation. You might feel compelled to prove your worth through constant effort and achievement, creating an unsustainable cycle. This could manifest as always being the one everyone calls when they need help, even when you are overwhelmed.
Ignoring Your Own Needs and Desires
Ignoring your own needs and desires often goes hand-in-hand with over-giving. This means consistently putting your own needs on the back burner, prioritizing the comfort and well-being of others above your own. You may neglect self-care activities, ignore physical or emotional cues of exhaustion, or fail to pursue personal interests. For example, you might skip meals, neglect sleep, or ignore feelings of stress to accommodate your partner's or children's needs.
Struggling to Set and Maintain Boundaries
Struggling to set and maintain boundaries is a common challenge. This involves difficulty in establishing clear limits on your time, energy, and emotional availability. You may allow others to encroach on your personal space, tolerate disrespectful behavior, or struggle to say 'no' to unreasonable requests. This could look like allowing your family to interrupt your work time constantly, or agreeing to loan money to someone who consistently fails to repay it.
Feeling Guilty When Saying "No"
Feeling guilty when you say 'no' even though it's what's best for you is another telltale sign.
You might experience intense feelings of guilt or anxiety when you assert your needs or decline a request. You might fear disappointing others or being perceived as selfish, even when setting boundaries is essential for your well-being. For example, feeling terrible for declining an invitation to a friend's party because you need a night of rest.
Emotional Exhaustion and Resentment
Experiencing emotional exhaustion and resentment consistently may mean that you have unmet needs that need to be addressed. This involves feeling chronically drained, irritable, or resentful due to the constant demands placed upon you. You may experience emotional burnout, leading to decreased motivation, increased stress, and strained relationships. This could manifest as feeling constantly irritable with loved ones, or feeling a deep sense of anger for always being the one who has to handle everything in your household.
Lacking Self-Worth Independent of External Validation
Lacking a strong sense of self-worth independent of external validation can also fuel over-giving. This involves tying your self-esteem to the approval and appreciation of others. You may feel worthless or inadequate when you're not receiving positive feedback, leading to a constant need to prove your value through giving. For instance, you might feel depressed when your efforts aren't acknowledged by your family or constantly seek praise for your helpfulness from friends.
Take your power back with these four steps:
#1 Cultivate Radical Self-Acceptance
Be kind to yourself! Recognize that you're valuable just as you are. Treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding you extend to others. Over-giving often comes from being hard on yourself. Being gentle with yourself can help you feel more balanced and at peace.
How to do it:
Remember that your needs matter.
Say kind things to yourself.
Do things that make you feel good.
Put this into action: Utilize the tools in the guide to track your thoughts and replace negative patterns with positive affirmations. This is a process of self-discovery. Approach it with patience and kindness, as your mind responds positively to consistent reinforcement.
#2 Focus on Balanced Reciprocity
Try to create relationships where there's a good balance of giving and receiving. Relationships will never be 50/50 because life isn't that way, but there should be reciprocity. It's also important in all things that you remember we all have different definitions of what give and take look like in reality so being clear on what you want is important, and then being able to communicate that so there can be a discussion to a shared solution where small steps towards balance can make big improvements.
How to do it:
Notice relationships where you're always the giver. Use the worksheets to look at your relationships.
Practice expressing what you need.
Celebrate when you receive as well as give. If receiving feels difficult, focus on practicing that.
You deserve to receive as much as you give!
#3 Learn to Set Boundaries
Pay attention to when you feel tired or overwhelmed, and set boundaries to protect your energy. This can help you feel less drained and more in control.
How to do it:
Notice how you feel when people ask things of you.
Clearly communicate your limits.
Practice saying "no" without feeling guilty.
Journal to find patterns. The worksheet within the download can help.
#4 Connect with What Matters to You
Figure out what's really important to you, and make sure your actions match those values. Make time for things that make you feel good and respect your boundaries. Over-giving often means neglecting what you truly care about. Reclaiming your energy means living in a way that feels true to you.
How to do it:
Think about what matters most to you. Use the values worksheet to help.
Schedule time for self-care and things you enjoy.
Practice standing up for your needs.
Conclusion
Changing habits takes time and kindness. Start with small steps, and be patient with yourself. Use the tools in the guide for support.
Remember, you're worthy of feeling good and having balanced relationships. Take care of yourself!
Wishing you well on your journey to balance.
DISCLAIMER: This guidance is not a diagnosis and those who are experiencing physical health and/or mental health symptoms should always contact those medical professionals. Health coaching is a service to supplement and should be used in conjunction when needed. The benefit of coaching is to help give you the support and accountability you need, not replace those professionals. Any concerns should be reviewed with your medical provider before putting this into place.
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