Taking accountability of my role and healing myself.
"I am a recovering perfectionist and an aspiring good-enoughist." - Brené Brown
Hello, it's me. I'm the problem. It took a long and painful journey to get to that full realization. I had to accept that I was the problem and that I had the power to change. These are my lessons learned in the hopes that this helps someone to feel seen, heard and not alone.
Lesson #1: Healing is not linear!
I went into this healing journey gung-ho, only to burn myself out (again!). Life threw curveballs, testing my patience and pushing me into cycles of fear and doubt. My body literally screamed, "Sit the f*** down, Heidi!" Over and over, it forced me to slow down and listen.
The lesson: Healing takes time. There will be setbacks. Take care of yourself, trust your intuition, and celebrate every step forward. Believe in yourself. 💪Write down your wins and revisit them when you're doubting yourself. Your brain will try to trick you into forgetting the good and the progress you are making; hack it!
It starts with you. ❤️
Lesson #2: Hurt people, hurt people.
If people are hurting you, it's a reflection of something hurt inside of them and has nothing to do with you. "Let them" from Mel Robbins has been a guiding light for me. I highly recommend this book and her work. Let people be who they are; they are on their own journey. You worry about you.
For all those born to serve and help others, I see you. I am a "recovering you." ❤️ Don't over-give to those who haven't done their own healing and do not allow their actions to shake your confidence of yourself. Be very clear on what you want, who you are and what you offer. Set boundaries and choose the people you allow in your life wisely.
It starts with you. ❤️
Lesson #3: You can't fix people, and that's not your job.
Big, huge, giant mistake. Channeling Pretty Woman here. 🤣
Offer support, but don't try to control their journey. This is something that has to be done by them. Set boundaries and prioritize your own well-being. It's an uncomfortable feeling for some of us, but when you are focused on others, you are losing sight of you, and that has dire consequences.
It starts with you.❤️
Lesson #4: Your thoughts can make or break you.
Your brain’s primary goal is survival. It constantly seeks patterns to avoid pain, associating discomfort with danger. But not all pain is harmful; it can be a lesson or an obstacle. The challenge is knowing when fear is protecting you and when it's holding you back.
For me, the biggest question was: When is fear telling me to avoid something, and when is it an opportunity to grow?
The lesson:
Get to know yourself. You are a science experiment in progress. Observe your actions, thoughts, and habits. Ask yourself:
Is this fear valid, and why am I feeling it?
Where do I feel it in my body?
Is it fear of failure, criticism, or being alone? These are common fears shaped by past experiences.
Pay attention to where you feel the fear; it’s valuable information. Dive into these sensations and ask yourself why they’re there.
Next, challenge your fear:
What happens if you face this fear? What are the potential outcomes?
Can you minimize the risk, or is the fear based on past stories that no longer apply?
Recall times when something positive came from taking a risk. Use these examples to rewrite your story based on facts, not fear.
It starts with you. ❤️
Lesson #5: The identity you've built for yourself can be changed to whatever you want.
When you go through the stage of not knowing who you are, it can be outright scary. Lean into that because the outcome is so incredibly freeing.
Ask yourself:
Who do you want that person to be? Like a kid at Christmas making that list for Santa. If you could be anyone in the world, who would that be?
Why? What about them is appealing to you?
Keep asking why until you get to the heart of those qualities and make a plan to become that person. Chances are, you already are, but you need to believe it. Change your beliefs, change your habits, change your life.
It starts with you. ❤️
Lesson #9: Give yourself grace, change takes time.
This lesson has been huge for me, and I’m still learning it. For so long, I pushed myself to the limit, thinking I had to be constantly doing more to prove my worth. I didn’t realize how much I was burning myself out until my body was literally taking me out. What hurt even more was when someone told me I wasn’t working hard enough, even though I knew I was giving everything I had.
But here’s the truth I learned: their perception doesn’t define my worth. I had to let go of their judgment and realize I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I had to reset my own standards, and convince myself that it’s okay to slow down and rest. Change doesn’t happen overnight, and growth isn’t always linear. Progress, no matter how slow, is still progress.
It’s so important to give yourself grace. You don’t have to be perfect or constantly hustling. If you’re doing your best, that’s enough. Every small step forward is worth celebrating. So when self-doubt creeps in, remember: healing takes time, and it’s okay to be in the process.
It starts with you. ❤️
Lesson #10: You deserve all of it, and those who don't go with you aren't meant for you.
I’ve told myself some pretty ridiculous things over the years. I had these big dreams, but I always convinced myself they were just for the movies, not for someone like me. I told myself to be grateful for what I had, and while that’s true, I stayed in situations that weren’t making me happy because I listened to others who said my expectations were too high. The truth is, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take—and I was closing myself off from opportunities by not taking them.
So, have you ever asked yourself what you really want? It’s always a good time to pause and think about your dreams and desires.
Start by asking yourself a few questions:
If I had a magic wand, what are the top three things I’d want to accomplish in my life? Write them down.
Now, read them. Do you feel any resistance? Is your brain telling you it’s impossible? Sit with that. Is your brain telling you the truth?
What’s really stopping you? Can you make it happen, or at least try? And if you did, what’s the worst that could happen? What’s the best? Would you do anything to make that happen?
That’s your answer.
It starts with you. ❤️
Lesson #11: Surround yourself with people who lift you up, not tear you down.
The people you have around you should be lifting you up, not bringing you down—even at work.
It happens all the time: a well-timed comment meant to make someone else feel better or put you in your place. I had this happen recently when I shared some new hobbies I’ve been getting into because they make me happy. Instead of supporting my happiness, I got an opinion on my abilities in that area. But because I know why I’m doing it and I’m clear about my current skill level, it didn’t bother me. Still, it gave me insight into that person’s wounds and made me realize how much energy I want to invest in them. It might sound harsh, but who you spend your time with matters.
No matter how confident or healed you are, if you keep surrounding yourself with people who tear you down, it will eventually take a toll, so choose wisely.
It starts with you. ❤️
Lesson #12: Do not make yourself small to make others feel better about themselves.
This was a big lesson for me. You are not responsible for their growth, and their discomfort with your authentic self is a sign of where they need to grow, not you.
I spent way too much time trying to prove my worth to others who devalued me. I hid parts of myself that people had made fun of or judged incorrectly. But I've learned that people either love me or hate me, and that's not a reflection of me. It's a reflection of them.
I stand in my truth of being "just me." I can be kind, funny, and silly, but I am also an incredibly deep thinker. I'm a late-diagnosed neurodiverse individual, and I can absolutely put someone in their place when it's needed. This wasn't a shock to me, but others saw what they wanted to see.
I poke fun at myself sometimes because it's freaking funny, not always because I'm insecure. And even if it is because of insecurity, that's okay! Life is too short to not laugh and share the humorous parts of our journey.
Be all that you are. If you are coming from a place of love, you can't go wrong. Love for yourself and others.
My tattoos don't make me less of a person. My drive is a good thing when balanced. Don't hide your authentic self because it triggers others. Shout your successes, small and large, from the rooftop! How others perceive that is on them.
Be weird, be unique, dress how you want, be loud or quiet. Be you, be vulnerable, accept you.
I see you, I appreciate you in all of your wonderful uniqueness, but you need to see that for yourself.
It starts with you. ❤️
Lesson #13: Showing emotions isn't a sign of weakness.
Warning: I’m deeply passionate about this one because it hits deeply for me.
Showing emotions is not a weakness. Compassion and kindness aren’t weaknesses. They’re strengths that only those who have let go of their insecurities truly understand.
I’m an emotional person—I feel everything deeply. But growing up as a Gen Xer, I was taught there was no place for that. Add undiagnosed ADHD to the mix, and things became even more complicated. 😭
This mindset followed me into the workforce, where leadership was often defined by outdated and distorted ideas of strength, and where the corporate environment felt like a version of the Hunger Games. 🏹
But let me be clear: I’m not saying I was perfect or didn’t have room to grow. I certainly did. However, when you’re in an environment that publicly shames you and actively works to destroy your confidence, it’s normal not to be your best. Your sense of safety is taken away and there is no opportunity for growth in that kind of environment. And when that happens, your choice is clear: Leave and find a place where you can grow.
Here’s my message:
To all the women or anyone who identifies with feminine energy: I see you. You don’t have to shut off your emotions to be respected in the workplace. Your feelings matter. If your workplace doesn’t respect you, it’s not the right place for you. We need to shift these outdated views. There’s plenty of research to show that this perspective is wrong. You don’t need to always be “strong” at home either, just to avoid being labeled “hysterical” or “too sensitive.” If that’s how you’re treated, that partner may not be the right one for you.
To all the men or anyone who identifies with masculine energy: This one’s huge. You don’t have to carry everything alone. Being a leader—whether at work or at home—doesn’t mean suffering in silence or leading with fear to prove you’re “masculine.” Embrace those emotions you’ve been told not to show—you need them.
Emotional intelligence is the number one skill we all need to develop—and quickly. It should be taught in schools, alongside yoga, meditation, and practices that reconnect us with our bodies. Our brains are powerful, but they can also lead us off course from becoming the caring, supportive, and loving people we’re meant to be. We need to create a world where emotional intelligence is the norm, not something seen as a flaw.
To anyone struggling with this: I see you. I’m a safe space, and I’m here to support you.
It starts with you. ❤️
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, the most important lesson is that it starts with you. Everything, from healing to boundaries to the way you show up in the world, is within your control. The process is messy, sometimes painful, and never linear, but it is also incredibly worth it.
I’ve spent so much time trying to please others, questioning my worth, and hiding parts of myself. But I’m learning to embrace the imperfections, to show up as myself, and to make space for my own growth. And I want you to do the same.
You deserve to be seen, heard, and respected just as you are. You don’t have to fit into anyone else’s mold or shrink yourself for the comfort of others. Surround yourself with those who uplift you. Set boundaries. Practice self-compassion. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, and remember that you are enough, just as you are. ❤️
So, if you’re feeling stuck or unsure, remember: You have the power to change your narrative. You have the power to heal, to grow, and to become the person you were always meant to be.
Take it one step at a time, and be kind to yourself along the way.
You’ve got this. ❤️
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